Reflection

So school has started once again, homework is piling up, and bloggers are still blogging.  I want to focus on a blog post I read just a moment ago in my blog post today.  (Meta enough for you?  Haha.) 

Said blog post was actually a very heartwarming story about an FTM's first Christmas at home (in Kansas, of all places) after his transition.  Long story short, it was adorable.  He took his 4-year-old cousin under his wing and became said cousin's favorite person ever.  He connected with his sister on a level they had never experienced before (in a good way... and also not a dirty way, you perverts).  He was fully embraced as a straight male by every last person in his family, down to being expected to carry all the heavy stuff, do all the driving, and basically partake in all the gender stereotypes.

The first thing I need to make clear is that I am completely overjoyed that this man was so easily accepted by his family.  This story gives me hope for every person wishing to transition, that someday they will be seen as completely normal and worthy of love and respect.

There are a few other things I have to get off my shoulders concerning this story, however.  I understand completely how everyone's gender identity is different and it's no easy feat to reconcile one's identity with one's body.  I am always in awe of those who are able to make the transition, and I am always glad to see/hear about those who are 100 times happier after their surgery.  Despite all of this, I must admit that it's really hard to hear about the successes while trying to handle your own defeats.

Here's my story:


I am getting married to the most wonderful woman in the world in 8 short months.  I hadn't really come into my own as transgender/gender non-conforming until after I popped the question.  So it stands to reason that there have been some super emotionally-charged breakdowns over me talking/thinking about transitioning even as we plan what color the flowers in our centerpieces will be.

When I got my breast reduction, I was overjoyed - admittedly for reasons I had not yet come to understand.  My mom, a few days after the surgery, while I was recovering, made me promise I would never get "THAT kind of surgery."  It seemed random, as I instinctively knew she was talking about SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery).  Why would she be asking me that?  I was a lesbian, not some crazy transsexual....

Soon enough, I figured it all out.  How my mom knew before I did, I'll never know.  But what do I do now?  If I transition, I'm not only betraying my mom.  It feels like I'm betraying some part of myself - the part that made the promise in the first place.  And what about my wife?  Can I reasonably ask her to be miserable, being in a relationship entered when she wasn't fully aware of what she was getting into in the first place?  Even if all that were irrelevant, would I be able to find a job?  All of my work connections that I will have when I am a board-certified music therapist will know me as female.  I intend to get a job ASAP after I pass the exam.  Do I transition in between jobs?  Will I even have the money to transition?  Do I even want to fully transition?  I'm a vocalist... what happens if I take testosterone and my voice changes?

Alright, so it's obvious that the man in the blog post and I are at different stages in our journeys.  I'd even go so far as to argue (to myself, yes) that we shouldn't even be compared.  My gender identity is not the same as his.  I am not 100% straight male.  My female socialization counts for a lot - especially since 24 years is a long time.  I guess what I really want to argue against is the gender binary, and the fact that, if I transition, I'll have a completely different set of expectations to fulfill.  I can't fulfill the expectations set for me now, and I know for a fact that I won't be able to fulfill male expectations either.  Frankly, I don't want to fit either stereotype.  Well, I suppose that's mostly because I can't fit either of them.  What's a poor genderqueer he-she to do?

I apologize if anyone's head is spinning.  It's a confusing world to live in.  This also turned into more of a word-vomit, soul-sharing than I originally intended.  I'm of the opinion, however, that awareness must be spread.  We're not all the same, but we definitely all deserve the same consideration and respect.  Also, maybe some wise soul out there has some advice for me that they're willing to share to make things even a little easier.