So, In my last post, I mentioned how I came out to a couple co-workers, yes? Well there's been a little bit of a development there and I thought it would make for an excellent blog post!
One of the aforementioned co-workers is a straight, Catholic, female, sophomore student at the University of Iowa. She is generally very open-minded, likes to talk, and likes to listen to others' stories. We'll call her Mary. Now, Mary has always been fine with me being a lesbian and was very excited to hear of my engagement. She also refused to let me get out of telling her the reason I so glibly said "I'm not actually a lesbian." Thus, I had no other choice but to say "Well, I'm trans." That seemed to be the end of it right there. However, not three days later, we were working together again and as anyone who has spent much time with me at work knows, I despise being called "Ma'am." I don't blame the customers, because they don't know any better, but after a while it does grate on my nerves. Mary, however, thinks it funny to call me "Ma'am" for no other reason than because it bothers me. So I firmly told her not to do that, please and thank you. But Mary thinks the only substitute for "Ma'am" is "Miss," and when I rejected that as well, she became frustrated and told me there was no other option.
Now I'm a bit confused. Her reaction to this admittedly small incident leads me to believe that either she wasn't truly listening when I came out to her or she doesn't really understand what "being trans" means. Now, Mary isn't stupid. I'm sure she understands the basic concept of, at the very least, transsexualism (which most people confuse with having a transgendered identity). So, following this logic, there are a few options. Mary may have just been pushing my buttons, as she is wont to do, which is frustrating and annoying, but harmless. She may not understand transgenderism as an umbrella term for all kinds of gender expression, which is also relatively harmless and easy to fix. It is also possible that she was, consciously or not, rejecting my view of myself. This is the option I don't enjoy thinking about, as it is neither harmless nor really acceptable. Then I realized that it almost doesn't even matter how I view myself because language doesn't have the capability of expressing what it is I am, and how I wish to be addressed. So it's no wonder people get uncomfortable and confused. They have nowhere to start when it comes to addressing me, or fitting me into the box of words.
So I decided that I could give them a tool to use when it comes to us transfolk. Not only am I myself a reference for understanding the mindset, but there are always gender neutral pronouns that most people aren't even aware exist. I've been working on training myself to use them - it's a pretty arduous process. It's like relearning your own language. But if I want people to start using them for me, I have to be able to use them too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, instead of taking this situation and making it all about how offended I am/could be, I can take it and make it into a learning opportunity. Once the general public sees that they know people who are transgender/genderqueer, they'll eventually be ready to listen to us. Then we can start to educate them. It might take a while. Learning does that. But I definitely think it's worth it, to make sure everyone in this society feels accepted and that there is a place for them. It is important, however, to remember what pronoun a given person prefers. For instance, I may be partial to "ze" or "en", but if someone really wants to be "he" or "her," it's not my place to dispute that.
If you want to learn more about gender neutral pronouns, I think the Wikipedia article is actually quite helpful, not to mention extremely interesting and has links to other interesting topics. It's here.
P.S. The entire time I was writing this post, this would not stop going around and around in my head.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Coming Out Day 2011!
Hello and Happy Coming Out Day!
My way of celebrating (or acknowledging) was a donated post on Facebook. However, to be completely honest with you all, that one post has the potential to reach far more people than I see in a day. I'm not completely certain whether that's really sad for my social life in the real world or if that's just the way of technology.
Despite that, I have had an eventful Fall of coming out! After living at my current residence in Coralville, IA for a year I finally decided enough was enough. I'm getting sick of being misread as a lesbian all the time. To be honest, it was way easier just to let everyone assume that because I'm marrying a woman, I must be a lesbian. I have nothing against lesbians. In a way, I still consider a part of myself as part of that community. There's just more to me than sexuality. So I finally told two of my co-workers and two members of my Lesbian Reading Group. I didn't go into detail, and there weren't as many questions for me to answer as I'd originally anticipated. I'm going to go with that as a good sign. To be fair, three of the four are part of the LGBTQ community and know other transfolk.
At any rate, I hope you all had an excellent Coming Out Day! I know Pride Week in happening right now for some, so... spread the awareness! We're here, we're queer and all that jazz. Don't forget to celebrate, too. We have too many reasons to be bummed out. We deserve happiness too!
Also, feel free to share any stories about coming out in the comments. It's a difficult process for anyone, so we're here to support everyone struggling with issues related to coming out. I'm not a licensed Music Therapist yet, but maybe someday I'll make a Coming Out playlist that could have a little therapeutic value if anyone's interested.
My way of celebrating (or acknowledging) was a donated post on Facebook. However, to be completely honest with you all, that one post has the potential to reach far more people than I see in a day. I'm not completely certain whether that's really sad for my social life in the real world or if that's just the way of technology.
Despite that, I have had an eventful Fall of coming out! After living at my current residence in Coralville, IA for a year I finally decided enough was enough. I'm getting sick of being misread as a lesbian all the time. To be honest, it was way easier just to let everyone assume that because I'm marrying a woman, I must be a lesbian. I have nothing against lesbians. In a way, I still consider a part of myself as part of that community. There's just more to me than sexuality. So I finally told two of my co-workers and two members of my Lesbian Reading Group. I didn't go into detail, and there weren't as many questions for me to answer as I'd originally anticipated. I'm going to go with that as a good sign. To be fair, three of the four are part of the LGBTQ community and know other transfolk.
At any rate, I hope you all had an excellent Coming Out Day! I know Pride Week in happening right now for some, so... spread the awareness! We're here, we're queer and all that jazz. Don't forget to celebrate, too. We have too many reasons to be bummed out. We deserve happiness too!
Also, feel free to share any stories about coming out in the comments. It's a difficult process for anyone, so we're here to support everyone struggling with issues related to coming out. I'm not a licensed Music Therapist yet, but maybe someday I'll make a Coming Out playlist that could have a little therapeutic value if anyone's interested.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Stone Butch Blues Part 2
I knew I'd need to talk about this book again, especially after going to book club and talking about fascinating things. So... bear with me. I promise this will be the last post solely on this book.
One of the things that was brought up in our discussion was rape, since it played such a huge role in Jess's early life and because so many women have had that experience. It's horrible, but I think the statistic is something like 2 in 3 women will be raped in their four years of college or something like that. It's sickening. It's also almost always someone you know. Anyway, we were talking about the shame associated with rape and the fact that some people on one of our members' college campuses think it's no big deal because it happens all the time. The reason I bring this all up is because I saw this reflected in Stone Butch Blues. The butches basically resigned themselves to the fact that it was going to happen to them, whether they fought back or not. They didn't have anyone to confide in and no one to protect them, since it was those we trust most for protection that were the perpetrators. I can't for one minute blame her for being paranoid all the time about the police and the health care practitioners. These are the people that most citizens trust unflinchingly. But for Jess, they are the main cause for her fears. Granted, I was quite heartened to see that post-Stonewall police were better. Not all, and maybe not even a majority, but it definitely was change.
This is all because Jess is different, too. I feel her - I too feel "stuck" between genders at times. I mean, I have good days and bad days, much like I think she probably did. Honestly, though, it just drains you. I don't think I'd make it without my support system. Yes, Jess is a fictional character (which I have to remind myself a lot because she feels so real to me), but the fact that society rejects difference resonates so clearly with me. You must be one or the other. There is no "between" in gender. This is also reflected in the DSM-IV (the current diagnostic manual for psychiatry/psychology) where there is a list of behaviors that must be present in order to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and you must have the need to be the opposite gender. So people like me, who are both, or just slightly lean either way on the spectrum... well I guess we're just screwed. The DSM likes putting people into boxes, and it seems that while some people fit quite neatly, others of us don't. I'm a little nervous as to what's going to change in the next edition coming out - the DSM 5. Will they get rid of GID completely? Will they just change the definition of what exactly having this "disorder" entails? I think the latter has a far better chance of both being effective and actually helping real people instead of taking case studies or hypothetical people and forming a definition around them.
This is the thing about the trans identity. It's different for everyone. Some people simply want to cross dress every once in a while. Some people want to live full time as the opposite gender. Both of those things are great if that's what you need to get rid of the distress that's probably ruining your life (as required for diagnosis in the current DSM). So, I guess you're wondering what makes me and Jess any different from the other butch lesbians in the book. They all cross dress pretty much 24/7, do the work of men, act like men, etc. So what makes me different? Personally, I think it's all in how you feel inside your body and how society influences that. Gender is already a social construct, so there's no way one can completely ignore its influence. I, for instance, hate being called "ma'am" or "miss" or any of those titles. It's not exactly as though I'm in the wrong body, per se, though I've heard many people describe transgender identity that way. It's best explained in the words of one of the book club members. The way Jess feels "defies words." No one can fully explain to anyone how it feels, I don't think. Although, Edwin's W.E.B. DuBois quote does a pretty good job of describing it and I latched onto the quote when we read The Souls of Black Folk in class a couple years back:
"It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his twoness,--an American, a Negro; two warring souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder."
That's the beauty of the very last scene in the book. The people in her dream don't ask for an explanation, nor is one given. They simply accept her into their community of similar souls, no questions asked. I like to think the point Feinberg was trying to make is that if you're like Jess, no matter what you may be feeling right now, is that you're not alone. There are more of us out there. We're just harder to find. But we will accept you and celebrate who you are, no questions asked, because we know what it's like. With words or without.
One of the things that was brought up in our discussion was rape, since it played such a huge role in Jess's early life and because so many women have had that experience. It's horrible, but I think the statistic is something like 2 in 3 women will be raped in their four years of college or something like that. It's sickening. It's also almost always someone you know. Anyway, we were talking about the shame associated with rape and the fact that some people on one of our members' college campuses think it's no big deal because it happens all the time. The reason I bring this all up is because I saw this reflected in Stone Butch Blues. The butches basically resigned themselves to the fact that it was going to happen to them, whether they fought back or not. They didn't have anyone to confide in and no one to protect them, since it was those we trust most for protection that were the perpetrators. I can't for one minute blame her for being paranoid all the time about the police and the health care practitioners. These are the people that most citizens trust unflinchingly. But for Jess, they are the main cause for her fears. Granted, I was quite heartened to see that post-Stonewall police were better. Not all, and maybe not even a majority, but it definitely was change.
This is all because Jess is different, too. I feel her - I too feel "stuck" between genders at times. I mean, I have good days and bad days, much like I think she probably did. Honestly, though, it just drains you. I don't think I'd make it without my support system. Yes, Jess is a fictional character (which I have to remind myself a lot because she feels so real to me), but the fact that society rejects difference resonates so clearly with me. You must be one or the other. There is no "between" in gender. This is also reflected in the DSM-IV (the current diagnostic manual for psychiatry/psychology) where there is a list of behaviors that must be present in order to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and you must have the need to be the opposite gender. So people like me, who are both, or just slightly lean either way on the spectrum... well I guess we're just screwed. The DSM likes putting people into boxes, and it seems that while some people fit quite neatly, others of us don't. I'm a little nervous as to what's going to change in the next edition coming out - the DSM 5. Will they get rid of GID completely? Will they just change the definition of what exactly having this "disorder" entails? I think the latter has a far better chance of both being effective and actually helping real people instead of taking case studies or hypothetical people and forming a definition around them.
This is the thing about the trans identity. It's different for everyone. Some people simply want to cross dress every once in a while. Some people want to live full time as the opposite gender. Both of those things are great if that's what you need to get rid of the distress that's probably ruining your life (as required for diagnosis in the current DSM). So, I guess you're wondering what makes me and Jess any different from the other butch lesbians in the book. They all cross dress pretty much 24/7, do the work of men, act like men, etc. So what makes me different? Personally, I think it's all in how you feel inside your body and how society influences that. Gender is already a social construct, so there's no way one can completely ignore its influence. I, for instance, hate being called "ma'am" or "miss" or any of those titles. It's not exactly as though I'm in the wrong body, per se, though I've heard many people describe transgender identity that way. It's best explained in the words of one of the book club members. The way Jess feels "defies words." No one can fully explain to anyone how it feels, I don't think. Although, Edwin's W.E.B. DuBois quote does a pretty good job of describing it and I latched onto the quote when we read The Souls of Black Folk in class a couple years back:
"It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his twoness,--an American, a Negro; two warring souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder."
That's the beauty of the very last scene in the book. The people in her dream don't ask for an explanation, nor is one given. They simply accept her into their community of similar souls, no questions asked. I like to think the point Feinberg was trying to make is that if you're like Jess, no matter what you may be feeling right now, is that you're not alone. There are more of us out there. We're just harder to find. But we will accept you and celebrate who you are, no questions asked, because we know what it's like. With words or without.
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