Stone Butch Blues

Alright, so I joined a lesbian book group with my fiancee this month.  We read three books during fall semester and then get together to discuss and such.  Fortunately for you all, I will also likely feel the need to discuss the books here!  So now you can also be a part of the lesbian book group by extension.  Are you excited yet?  Ok, I know what you're thinking.  I'm not a lesbian.  That's the other great thing about this group - they're very accepting and I think that as long as I still have some femininity in me, I'd be welcome.  Also, our first book is very fitting in that it's all about Trans issues.

The book we're currently reading is Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg.  Even though I'm not quite done with the book, it's my feeling that everyone - GLBTQQIA etc. - should read this book.  It opened my eyes.  For the first time I realized that all these feelings I have are actually legitimate and I'm not the only one having them.  Although, to be honest, part of me is now deathly afraid of being gang raped in a dark alley for being different... but I'm convinced the slight paranoia is worth it. 

What I found extremely interesting was the notion of these butches being "stone" and the use of the word to describe an emotional state of being.  They had to be so strong just to survive the cruelty of the world, and I was just awestruck as I read.  It broke my heart that, no matter what she tried to do, Jess was never fully happy, or even comfortable with who she was.  At least she isn't where I am in the book.  I don't know that I could ever find that sort of strength in me or shut down my emotions so completely.  I guess you never know what you'd do just to survive the world, but it's pretty horrendous to think about. 

If you don't want to read the book for any other reason, you should read it for the poetry in the prose.  The writing is, at times, so beautiful it moved me to tears.  Not because it was sad, necessarily, but so beautifully melancholy.  There is so much pain in this world and it hit so close to home.  I saw myself in Jess so clearly that it scared me.  It scared me even more when I saw my fiancee in Theresa.  What I've learned so far from this book is that the world will try to break you if you are different.  The catch is that you have the choice to carve out a little place for yourself, hard as it may be, or you can just let the world have its way with you and leave you broken and irreparable.  I don't know about you all, but I certainly don't think that laying down without a fight is even worth it in the end.

At any rate, I'm going to finish the book hopefully within a few days and I will probably be bursting to write about it again then.  My perceptions may change, the ending may break my heart, or it might make me want to change the world.  We'll just have to see.  Whatever happens, whoever you are, you should still read it for yourself, despite what I may write about it.  Who knows?  Maybe you'll find something different and just as exciting inside those pages.

Happy reading!

Trans Issues in Song #1

Alright, so here's a post with some real substance.  We heard a song on the radio that pretty much made me want to punch the artist in question.  I already had pretty strong negative feelings toward Brad Paisley, but this... this song takes the cake, guys.  Maybe this is old news to some, but have you heard "I'm Still a Guy" yet?  None of the sites I found the lyrics on would let me paste the whole thing, probably because of a copyright issue, but here's a little taste:

"When you see a priceless French painting,
I see a drunk naked girl.
When you think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy
and I'd like the give it a whirl.

Well, love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of
And in a weak moment I might
Walk your sissy dog, hold your purse at the mall
But remember, I'm still a guy."

"These days there's dudes gettin' facials
Manicured, waxed and botoxed.
With deep spray-on tans and creamy lotiony hands
You can't grip a tackle box.

Yeah, with all of these men linin' up to get neutered
It's hip now to be feminized.
But I don't highlight my hair, I've still got a pair
Yeah honey, I'm still a guy."

So... my reactions to this.  Wow.  Um.  Where to even start?  The rampant sexism?  The "Small-Penis Syndrome?"  The blatant superiority complex?

OK.  Seriously though.  There are a lot of things wrong with how popular this song is and the fact that so many people (male and female, I might add) seem to be celebrating it.  Just look in the comment sections when you go to see all the lyrics - because I know that now you'll have to.  It's become a popular thing for straight men to affirm their masculinity in every single way they can.  I don't know why they have to... but to hear them tell it, everyone's turning gay like it's some epidemic and it's this big, horrible thing not to like fishing or hunting or basically anything that is "manly" by their standards.  My question is this: Who made up these standards and why do we all feel the need to follow them like sheep?  What in [higher power]'s name is wrong with being different? 

Maybe I'm just jealous.  Because I know - this just affirms my previous thoughts - that in order to be respected as a man, if that's what I decide I want to do, I have to conform to all of this stuff that I'm not willing to do.  Since when is it "weak" to do something nice for your girlfriend by holding their purse?  Chivalry must truly be dead.  I don't know when it became "funny" and "cool" to degrade women.  (All that "make me a sammich" stuff on the internet now?  WTF?)  But I sure don't approve.  No matter where my gender identity takes me, I will always have to remember my beginnings as a female.  I may not like to think about it, but it's valuable for anyone to see both sides of the coin and be able to connect with others who are different, instead of automatically cataloging them as "weird" or "not manly enough" or what have you.  Have we forgotten how to think about other people and their feelings?  Oh, I forgot... real men don't have feelings. 

I'm just sick of everybody hating on everybody else.  Maybe I'm not helping by ripping apart this song, but... I just can't see what purpose it serves other than to hurt others.  To me, that's never OK.

I'm sure I left out a bunch of things you're thinking about, so I'd love it if you'd share your thoughts, feelings and reactions about this song in the comments.

Coming In and Coming Out

You all deserve a good story of how this blog came to be, and why it even exists in the first place, so here goes.

So I've recently come out to a few close friends as transgendered.  I know many people are curious about that in and of itself, but I'll get to that later.  Anyway, since my coming out was so recent and everyone is so used to thinking of me as just a stereotypical lesbian, it's been difficult for me to validate my own feelings much less try to explain exactly what's going on to other people.  On top of that, I just started classes at a brand new University and I'm not entirely sure how to broach the very personal, yet extremely important, topic with my new friends (with whom I will only be spending approximately three semesters of class).

Unsurprisingly, I feel alone and trapped.  And there's not really anyone to go to except my amazing fiancee who's already heard all of this multiple times and is probably sick of hearing it.  As much as she tries, I know she struggles with it and can't completely understand it.  I completely understand her struggle, but I can't pretend it isn't difficult for me that she does.  It doesn't help that today I learned about research methodology and participated in an in-class fake study.  It's stupid enough to begin with (this is a freshman-level class, and I already have a B.A.) but the moment our professor tells us to mark our gender, something broke inside of me.  I spent the rest of the class period unable to focus and left class angry.  Why?  How could she have known she would offend anyone by the little innocuous M and F categories?  What is it to her that there could be someone who doesn't feel they fit in either one?  But I refuse to believe that this is just MY problem, that I just need to "get over it."  I can't and I won't.

In part, that's why I started this blog.  It's a small act of spreading awareness, of bringing people together in understanding - or at least trying to understand.  I'm not the only one transforming, I want the world to transform, too.  Yes, I'm an idealist, but we have to start somewhere and I'm sick of just waiting around for other people to change of their own accord. 

So, LGBTQQIA - any letter at all, you are welcome here.  It's not much, but maybe we can turn it into something worthwhile.