So I went to Hawai'i (that's how they really spell it) just after Christmas this year – I was invited to attend my future parents-in-law’s vow renewal. As a disclaimer, aside from what I’m going to write about, I had an awesome time. I don’t want everyone thinking that the struggles I face as a transperson color my entire experience of everything. It doesn’t really work that way. Yes, it can put a damper on some things, but I’m usually fairly quick to get over it. I try, anyway.
Just so you know I’m not lying, here are some of the awesome things we did in Hawaii:
- Went kayaking in the ocean (My kayak’s name was ‘A, which is Hawaiian for the Blue-footed Booby. Basically, that’s why I won the race.)
- Saw Pearl Harbor and the USS Arizona Memorial
- Went to Waikiki beach and hung out in Honolulu for a day
- Went to a luau and the show “Ha: Breath of Life” which touched all of us and may or may not have made me cry
- Learned a lot about Hawaiian culture, including a few words in Hawaiian
- Found out why the north shore is known for surfing
- Swam in the ocean
- Relaxed on the beach
- Collected some awesome shells and coral
- Saw five amazing sunsets
- Met some really cute green sea turtles
- Took a ton of pictures
- Ate some of the best seafood I’ve ever had in my life
Despite all of these great things, there are always times when I struggle. Unfortunately for me, sometimes the struggle becomes greater when I realize that no one knows I’m struggling, or that there would even be a reason I’m struggling, if you know what I’m trying to say.
Swimsuits and swimming. I feel like this has to be the number one struggle for transpeople everywhere, in any time. I hate putting on a swimsuit. I can’t wear my binder with it – it’s completely impractical. I can’t even wear a fairly compressing sportsbra. So basically the breasts I have many mixed feelings toward are freely bouncing in the air for everyone to see, even though I’m not trying to show them off (I basically wear a tank top and trunks to swim in). It’s very embarrassing for a transperson, and I wore my swimsuit every single day were we there. I felt that constant envy for all the men on the beach who were able to just take off their shirts whenever they pleased. I have to be honest, after a couple of days I didn’t even want to go down to the beach at all.
I’m not gonna lie, if I wasn’t expected by everyone to get in as much beach (and swimming) time as possible, I probably wouldn’t even have changed my clothes for it. I would’ve missed out on a bunch of stuff, too. Granted, my sunburn would be much less severe, but isn’t that part of the experience? Also, I wouldn’t have had the chance to bond more with this family I’m going to be joining in ten short months if I hadn’t braved past my discomfort. To be fair, none of them know I’m trans… so I guess most of it is in my head. Sometimes that makes it worse, though.
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s OK to struggle, and it’s fine to have reservations. The important thing is not to let anything hold you back from having a good experience, even in your everyday life. Some stuff is worth doing, and it doesn’t have to be about gender, even though I know I can make everything into some sort of gendered statement. So take some time to yourself and relax. Don't think about the negative... focus on the positive, even just for a few minutes. I know I feel a lot better after having a vacation and while I did think some pretty negative stuff, I had a better time when I ignored all that and stayed in the moment. Try it yourself sometime soon. You'll feel much better.
