So, In my last post, I mentioned how I came out to a couple co-workers, yes? Well there's been a little bit of a development there and I thought it would make for an excellent blog post!
One of the aforementioned co-workers is a straight, Catholic, female, sophomore student at the University of Iowa. She is generally very open-minded, likes to talk, and likes to listen to others' stories. We'll call her Mary. Now, Mary has always been fine with me being a lesbian and was very excited to hear of my engagement. She also refused to let me get out of telling her the reason I so glibly said "I'm not actually a lesbian." Thus, I had no other choice but to say "Well, I'm trans." That seemed to be the end of it right there. However, not three days later, we were working together again and as anyone who has spent much time with me at work knows, I despise being called "Ma'am." I don't blame the customers, because they don't know any better, but after a while it does grate on my nerves. Mary, however, thinks it funny to call me "Ma'am" for no other reason than because it bothers me. So I firmly told her not to do that, please and thank you. But Mary thinks the only substitute for "Ma'am" is "Miss," and when I rejected that as well, she became frustrated and told me there was no other option.
Now I'm a bit confused. Her reaction to this admittedly small incident leads me to believe that either she wasn't truly listening when I came out to her or she doesn't really understand what "being trans" means. Now, Mary isn't stupid. I'm sure she understands the basic concept of, at the very least, transsexualism (which most people confuse with having a transgendered identity). So, following this logic, there are a few options. Mary may have just been pushing my buttons, as she is wont to do, which is frustrating and annoying, but harmless. She may not understand transgenderism as an umbrella term for all kinds of gender expression, which is also relatively harmless and easy to fix. It is also possible that she was, consciously or not, rejecting my view of myself. This is the option I don't enjoy thinking about, as it is neither harmless nor really acceptable. Then I realized that it almost doesn't even matter how I view myself because language doesn't have the capability of expressing what it is I am, and how I wish to be addressed. So it's no wonder people get uncomfortable and confused. They have nowhere to start when it comes to addressing me, or fitting me into the box of words.
So I decided that I could give them a tool to use when it comes to us transfolk. Not only am I myself a reference for understanding the mindset, but there are always gender neutral pronouns that most people aren't even aware exist. I've been working on training myself to use them - it's a pretty arduous process. It's like relearning your own language. But if I want people to start using them for me, I have to be able to use them too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, instead of taking this situation and making it all about how offended I am/could be, I can take it and make it into a learning opportunity. Once the general public sees that they know people who are transgender/genderqueer, they'll eventually be ready to listen to us. Then we can start to educate them. It might take a while. Learning does that. But I definitely think it's worth it, to make sure everyone in this society feels accepted and that there is a place for them. It is important, however, to remember what pronoun a given person prefers. For instance, I may be partial to "ze" or "en", but if someone really wants to be "he" or "her," it's not my place to dispute that.
If you want to learn more about gender neutral pronouns, I think the Wikipedia article is actually quite helpful, not to mention extremely interesting and has links to other interesting topics. It's here.
P.S. The entire time I was writing this post, this would not stop going around and around in my head.
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