Hello and Happy Coming Out Day!
My way of celebrating (or acknowledging) was a donated post on Facebook. However, to be completely honest with you all, that one post has the potential to reach far more people than I see in a day. I'm not completely certain whether that's really sad for my social life in the real world or if that's just the way of technology.
Despite that, I have had an eventful Fall of coming out! After living at my current residence in Coralville, IA for a year I finally decided enough was enough. I'm getting sick of being misread as a lesbian all the time. To be honest, it was way easier just to let everyone assume that because I'm marrying a woman, I must be a lesbian. I have nothing against lesbians. In a way, I still consider a part of myself as part of that community. There's just more to me than sexuality. So I finally told two of my co-workers and two members of my Lesbian Reading Group. I didn't go into detail, and there weren't as many questions for me to answer as I'd originally anticipated. I'm going to go with that as a good sign. To be fair, three of the four are part of the LGBTQ community and know other transfolk.
At any rate, I hope you all had an excellent Coming Out Day! I know Pride Week in happening right now for some, so... spread the awareness! We're here, we're queer and all that jazz. Don't forget to celebrate, too. We have too many reasons to be bummed out. We deserve happiness too!
Also, feel free to share any stories about coming out in the comments. It's a difficult process for anyone, so we're here to support everyone struggling with issues related to coming out. I'm not a licensed Music Therapist yet, but maybe someday I'll make a Coming Out playlist that could have a little therapeutic value if anyone's interested.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Stone Butch Blues Part 2
I knew I'd need to talk about this book again, especially after going to book club and talking about fascinating things. So... bear with me. I promise this will be the last post solely on this book.
One of the things that was brought up in our discussion was rape, since it played such a huge role in Jess's early life and because so many women have had that experience. It's horrible, but I think the statistic is something like 2 in 3 women will be raped in their four years of college or something like that. It's sickening. It's also almost always someone you know. Anyway, we were talking about the shame associated with rape and the fact that some people on one of our members' college campuses think it's no big deal because it happens all the time. The reason I bring this all up is because I saw this reflected in Stone Butch Blues. The butches basically resigned themselves to the fact that it was going to happen to them, whether they fought back or not. They didn't have anyone to confide in and no one to protect them, since it was those we trust most for protection that were the perpetrators. I can't for one minute blame her for being paranoid all the time about the police and the health care practitioners. These are the people that most citizens trust unflinchingly. But for Jess, they are the main cause for her fears. Granted, I was quite heartened to see that post-Stonewall police were better. Not all, and maybe not even a majority, but it definitely was change.
This is all because Jess is different, too. I feel her - I too feel "stuck" between genders at times. I mean, I have good days and bad days, much like I think she probably did. Honestly, though, it just drains you. I don't think I'd make it without my support system. Yes, Jess is a fictional character (which I have to remind myself a lot because she feels so real to me), but the fact that society rejects difference resonates so clearly with me. You must be one or the other. There is no "between" in gender. This is also reflected in the DSM-IV (the current diagnostic manual for psychiatry/psychology) where there is a list of behaviors that must be present in order to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and you must have the need to be the opposite gender. So people like me, who are both, or just slightly lean either way on the spectrum... well I guess we're just screwed. The DSM likes putting people into boxes, and it seems that while some people fit quite neatly, others of us don't. I'm a little nervous as to what's going to change in the next edition coming out - the DSM 5. Will they get rid of GID completely? Will they just change the definition of what exactly having this "disorder" entails? I think the latter has a far better chance of both being effective and actually helping real people instead of taking case studies or hypothetical people and forming a definition around them.
This is the thing about the trans identity. It's different for everyone. Some people simply want to cross dress every once in a while. Some people want to live full time as the opposite gender. Both of those things are great if that's what you need to get rid of the distress that's probably ruining your life (as required for diagnosis in the current DSM). So, I guess you're wondering what makes me and Jess any different from the other butch lesbians in the book. They all cross dress pretty much 24/7, do the work of men, act like men, etc. So what makes me different? Personally, I think it's all in how you feel inside your body and how society influences that. Gender is already a social construct, so there's no way one can completely ignore its influence. I, for instance, hate being called "ma'am" or "miss" or any of those titles. It's not exactly as though I'm in the wrong body, per se, though I've heard many people describe transgender identity that way. It's best explained in the words of one of the book club members. The way Jess feels "defies words." No one can fully explain to anyone how it feels, I don't think. Although, Edwin's W.E.B. DuBois quote does a pretty good job of describing it and I latched onto the quote when we read The Souls of Black Folk in class a couple years back:
"It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his twoness,--an American, a Negro; two warring souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder."
That's the beauty of the very last scene in the book. The people in her dream don't ask for an explanation, nor is one given. They simply accept her into their community of similar souls, no questions asked. I like to think the point Feinberg was trying to make is that if you're like Jess, no matter what you may be feeling right now, is that you're not alone. There are more of us out there. We're just harder to find. But we will accept you and celebrate who you are, no questions asked, because we know what it's like. With words or without.
One of the things that was brought up in our discussion was rape, since it played such a huge role in Jess's early life and because so many women have had that experience. It's horrible, but I think the statistic is something like 2 in 3 women will be raped in their four years of college or something like that. It's sickening. It's also almost always someone you know. Anyway, we were talking about the shame associated with rape and the fact that some people on one of our members' college campuses think it's no big deal because it happens all the time. The reason I bring this all up is because I saw this reflected in Stone Butch Blues. The butches basically resigned themselves to the fact that it was going to happen to them, whether they fought back or not. They didn't have anyone to confide in and no one to protect them, since it was those we trust most for protection that were the perpetrators. I can't for one minute blame her for being paranoid all the time about the police and the health care practitioners. These are the people that most citizens trust unflinchingly. But for Jess, they are the main cause for her fears. Granted, I was quite heartened to see that post-Stonewall police were better. Not all, and maybe not even a majority, but it definitely was change.
This is all because Jess is different, too. I feel her - I too feel "stuck" between genders at times. I mean, I have good days and bad days, much like I think she probably did. Honestly, though, it just drains you. I don't think I'd make it without my support system. Yes, Jess is a fictional character (which I have to remind myself a lot because she feels so real to me), but the fact that society rejects difference resonates so clearly with me. You must be one or the other. There is no "between" in gender. This is also reflected in the DSM-IV (the current diagnostic manual for psychiatry/psychology) where there is a list of behaviors that must be present in order to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and you must have the need to be the opposite gender. So people like me, who are both, or just slightly lean either way on the spectrum... well I guess we're just screwed. The DSM likes putting people into boxes, and it seems that while some people fit quite neatly, others of us don't. I'm a little nervous as to what's going to change in the next edition coming out - the DSM 5. Will they get rid of GID completely? Will they just change the definition of what exactly having this "disorder" entails? I think the latter has a far better chance of both being effective and actually helping real people instead of taking case studies or hypothetical people and forming a definition around them.
This is the thing about the trans identity. It's different for everyone. Some people simply want to cross dress every once in a while. Some people want to live full time as the opposite gender. Both of those things are great if that's what you need to get rid of the distress that's probably ruining your life (as required for diagnosis in the current DSM). So, I guess you're wondering what makes me and Jess any different from the other butch lesbians in the book. They all cross dress pretty much 24/7, do the work of men, act like men, etc. So what makes me different? Personally, I think it's all in how you feel inside your body and how society influences that. Gender is already a social construct, so there's no way one can completely ignore its influence. I, for instance, hate being called "ma'am" or "miss" or any of those titles. It's not exactly as though I'm in the wrong body, per se, though I've heard many people describe transgender identity that way. It's best explained in the words of one of the book club members. The way Jess feels "defies words." No one can fully explain to anyone how it feels, I don't think. Although, Edwin's W.E.B. DuBois quote does a pretty good job of describing it and I latched onto the quote when we read The Souls of Black Folk in class a couple years back:
"It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his twoness,--an American, a Negro; two warring souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder."
That's the beauty of the very last scene in the book. The people in her dream don't ask for an explanation, nor is one given. They simply accept her into their community of similar souls, no questions asked. I like to think the point Feinberg was trying to make is that if you're like Jess, no matter what you may be feeling right now, is that you're not alone. There are more of us out there. We're just harder to find. But we will accept you and celebrate who you are, no questions asked, because we know what it's like. With words or without.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Stone Butch Blues
Alright, so I joined a lesbian book group with my fiancee this month. We read three books during fall semester and then get together to discuss and such. Fortunately for you all, I will also likely feel the need to discuss the books here! So now you can also be a part of the lesbian book group by extension. Are you excited yet? Ok, I know what you're thinking. I'm not a lesbian. That's the other great thing about this group - they're very accepting and I think that as long as I still have some femininity in me, I'd be welcome. Also, our first book is very fitting in that it's all about Trans issues.
The book we're currently reading is Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg. Even though I'm not quite done with the book, it's my feeling that everyone - GLBTQQIA etc. - should read this book. It opened my eyes. For the first time I realized that all these feelings I have are actually legitimate and I'm not the only one having them. Although, to be honest, part of me is now deathly afraid of being gang raped in a dark alley for being different... but I'm convinced the slight paranoia is worth it.
What I found extremely interesting was the notion of these butches being "stone" and the use of the word to describe an emotional state of being. They had to be so strong just to survive the cruelty of the world, and I was just awestruck as I read. It broke my heart that, no matter what she tried to do, Jess was never fully happy, or even comfortable with who she was. At least she isn't where I am in the book. I don't know that I could ever find that sort of strength in me or shut down my emotions so completely. I guess you never know what you'd do just to survive the world, but it's pretty horrendous to think about.
If you don't want to read the book for any other reason, you should read it for the poetry in the prose. The writing is, at times, so beautiful it moved me to tears. Not because it was sad, necessarily, but so beautifully melancholy. There is so much pain in this world and it hit so close to home. I saw myself in Jess so clearly that it scared me. It scared me even more when I saw my fiancee in Theresa. What I've learned so far from this book is that the world will try to break you if you are different. The catch is that you have the choice to carve out a little place for yourself, hard as it may be, or you can just let the world have its way with you and leave you broken and irreparable. I don't know about you all, but I certainly don't think that laying down without a fight is even worth it in the end.
At any rate, I'm going to finish the book hopefully within a few days and I will probably be bursting to write about it again then. My perceptions may change, the ending may break my heart, or it might make me want to change the world. We'll just have to see. Whatever happens, whoever you are, you should still read it for yourself, despite what I may write about it. Who knows? Maybe you'll find something different and just as exciting inside those pages.
Happy reading!
The book we're currently reading is Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg. Even though I'm not quite done with the book, it's my feeling that everyone - GLBTQQIA etc. - should read this book. It opened my eyes. For the first time I realized that all these feelings I have are actually legitimate and I'm not the only one having them. Although, to be honest, part of me is now deathly afraid of being gang raped in a dark alley for being different... but I'm convinced the slight paranoia is worth it.
What I found extremely interesting was the notion of these butches being "stone" and the use of the word to describe an emotional state of being. They had to be so strong just to survive the cruelty of the world, and I was just awestruck as I read. It broke my heart that, no matter what she tried to do, Jess was never fully happy, or even comfortable with who she was. At least she isn't where I am in the book. I don't know that I could ever find that sort of strength in me or shut down my emotions so completely. I guess you never know what you'd do just to survive the world, but it's pretty horrendous to think about.
If you don't want to read the book for any other reason, you should read it for the poetry in the prose. The writing is, at times, so beautiful it moved me to tears. Not because it was sad, necessarily, but so beautifully melancholy. There is so much pain in this world and it hit so close to home. I saw myself in Jess so clearly that it scared me. It scared me even more when I saw my fiancee in Theresa. What I've learned so far from this book is that the world will try to break you if you are different. The catch is that you have the choice to carve out a little place for yourself, hard as it may be, or you can just let the world have its way with you and leave you broken and irreparable. I don't know about you all, but I certainly don't think that laying down without a fight is even worth it in the end.
At any rate, I'm going to finish the book hopefully within a few days and I will probably be bursting to write about it again then. My perceptions may change, the ending may break my heart, or it might make me want to change the world. We'll just have to see. Whatever happens, whoever you are, you should still read it for yourself, despite what I may write about it. Who knows? Maybe you'll find something different and just as exciting inside those pages.
Happy reading!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Trans Issues in Song #1
Alright, so here's a post with some real substance. We heard a song on the radio that pretty much made me want to punch the artist in question. I already had pretty strong negative feelings toward Brad Paisley, but this... this song takes the cake, guys. Maybe this is old news to some, but have you heard "I'm Still a Guy" yet? None of the sites I found the lyrics on would let me paste the whole thing, probably because of a copyright issue, but here's a little taste:
"When you see a priceless French painting,
I see a drunk naked girl.
When you think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy
and I'd like the give it a whirl.
Well, love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of
And in a weak moment I might
Walk your sissy dog, hold your purse at the mall
But remember, I'm still a guy."
"These days there's dudes gettin' facials
Manicured, waxed and botoxed.
With deep spray-on tans and creamy lotiony hands
You can't grip a tackle box.
Yeah, with all of these men linin' up to get neutered
It's hip now to be feminized.
But I don't highlight my hair, I've still got a pair
Yeah honey, I'm still a guy."
So... my reactions to this. Wow. Um. Where to even start? The rampant sexism? The "Small-Penis Syndrome?" The blatant superiority complex?
OK. Seriously though. There are a lot of things wrong with how popular this song is and the fact that so many people (male and female, I might add) seem to be celebrating it. Just look in the comment sections when you go to see all the lyrics - because I know that now you'll have to. It's become a popular thing for straight men to affirm their masculinity in every single way they can. I don't know why they have to... but to hear them tell it, everyone's turning gay like it's some epidemic and it's this big, horrible thing not to like fishing or hunting or basically anything that is "manly" by their standards. My question is this: Who made up these standards and why do we all feel the need to follow them like sheep? What in [higher power]'s name is wrong with being different?
Maybe I'm just jealous. Because I know - this just affirms my previous thoughts - that in order to be respected as a man, if that's what I decide I want to do, I have to conform to all of this stuff that I'm not willing to do. Since when is it "weak" to do something nice for your girlfriend by holding their purse? Chivalry must truly be dead. I don't know when it became "funny" and "cool" to degrade women. (All that "make me a sammich" stuff on the internet now? WTF?) But I sure don't approve. No matter where my gender identity takes me, I will always have to remember my beginnings as a female. I may not like to think about it, but it's valuable for anyone to see both sides of the coin and be able to connect with others who are different, instead of automatically cataloging them as "weird" or "not manly enough" or what have you. Have we forgotten how to think about other people and their feelings? Oh, I forgot... real men don't have feelings.
I'm just sick of everybody hating on everybody else. Maybe I'm not helping by ripping apart this song, but... I just can't see what purpose it serves other than to hurt others. To me, that's never OK.
I'm sure I left out a bunch of things you're thinking about, so I'd love it if you'd share your thoughts, feelings and reactions about this song in the comments.
"When you see a priceless French painting,
I see a drunk naked girl.
When you think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy
and I'd like the give it a whirl.
Well, love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of
And in a weak moment I might
Walk your sissy dog, hold your purse at the mall
But remember, I'm still a guy."
"These days there's dudes gettin' facials
Manicured, waxed and botoxed.
With deep spray-on tans and creamy lotiony hands
You can't grip a tackle box.
Yeah, with all of these men linin' up to get neutered
It's hip now to be feminized.
But I don't highlight my hair, I've still got a pair
Yeah honey, I'm still a guy."
So... my reactions to this. Wow. Um. Where to even start? The rampant sexism? The "Small-Penis Syndrome?" The blatant superiority complex?
OK. Seriously though. There are a lot of things wrong with how popular this song is and the fact that so many people (male and female, I might add) seem to be celebrating it. Just look in the comment sections when you go to see all the lyrics - because I know that now you'll have to. It's become a popular thing for straight men to affirm their masculinity in every single way they can. I don't know why they have to... but to hear them tell it, everyone's turning gay like it's some epidemic and it's this big, horrible thing not to like fishing or hunting or basically anything that is "manly" by their standards. My question is this: Who made up these standards and why do we all feel the need to follow them like sheep? What in [higher power]'s name is wrong with being different?
Maybe I'm just jealous. Because I know - this just affirms my previous thoughts - that in order to be respected as a man, if that's what I decide I want to do, I have to conform to all of this stuff that I'm not willing to do. Since when is it "weak" to do something nice for your girlfriend by holding their purse? Chivalry must truly be dead. I don't know when it became "funny" and "cool" to degrade women. (All that "make me a sammich" stuff on the internet now? WTF?) But I sure don't approve. No matter where my gender identity takes me, I will always have to remember my beginnings as a female. I may not like to think about it, but it's valuable for anyone to see both sides of the coin and be able to connect with others who are different, instead of automatically cataloging them as "weird" or "not manly enough" or what have you. Have we forgotten how to think about other people and their feelings? Oh, I forgot... real men don't have feelings.
I'm just sick of everybody hating on everybody else. Maybe I'm not helping by ripping apart this song, but... I just can't see what purpose it serves other than to hurt others. To me, that's never OK.
I'm sure I left out a bunch of things you're thinking about, so I'd love it if you'd share your thoughts, feelings and reactions about this song in the comments.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Coming In and Coming Out
You all deserve a good story of how this blog came to be, and why it even exists in the first place, so here goes.
So I've recently come out to a few close friends as transgendered. I know many people are curious about that in and of itself, but I'll get to that later. Anyway, since my coming out was so recent and everyone is so used to thinking of me as just a stereotypical lesbian, it's been difficult for me to validate my own feelings much less try to explain exactly what's going on to other people. On top of that, I just started classes at a brand new University and I'm not entirely sure how to broach the very personal, yet extremely important, topic with my new friends (with whom I will only be spending approximately three semesters of class).
Unsurprisingly, I feel alone and trapped. And there's not really anyone to go to except my amazing fiancee who's already heard all of this multiple times and is probably sick of hearing it. As much as she tries, I know she struggles with it and can't completely understand it. I completely understand her struggle, but I can't pretend it isn't difficult for me that she does. It doesn't help that today I learned about research methodology and participated in an in-class fake study. It's stupid enough to begin with (this is a freshman-level class, and I already have a B.A.) but the moment our professor tells us to mark our gender, something broke inside of me. I spent the rest of the class period unable to focus and left class angry. Why? How could she have known she would offend anyone by the little innocuous M and F categories? What is it to her that there could be someone who doesn't feel they fit in either one? But I refuse to believe that this is just MY problem, that I just need to "get over it." I can't and I won't.
In part, that's why I started this blog. It's a small act of spreading awareness, of bringing people together in understanding - or at least trying to understand. I'm not the only one transforming, I want the world to transform, too. Yes, I'm an idealist, but we have to start somewhere and I'm sick of just waiting around for other people to change of their own accord.
So, LGBTQQIA - any letter at all, you are welcome here. It's not much, but maybe we can turn it into something worthwhile.
So I've recently come out to a few close friends as transgendered. I know many people are curious about that in and of itself, but I'll get to that later. Anyway, since my coming out was so recent and everyone is so used to thinking of me as just a stereotypical lesbian, it's been difficult for me to validate my own feelings much less try to explain exactly what's going on to other people. On top of that, I just started classes at a brand new University and I'm not entirely sure how to broach the very personal, yet extremely important, topic with my new friends (with whom I will only be spending approximately three semesters of class).
Unsurprisingly, I feel alone and trapped. And there's not really anyone to go to except my amazing fiancee who's already heard all of this multiple times and is probably sick of hearing it. As much as she tries, I know she struggles with it and can't completely understand it. I completely understand her struggle, but I can't pretend it isn't difficult for me that she does. It doesn't help that today I learned about research methodology and participated in an in-class fake study. It's stupid enough to begin with (this is a freshman-level class, and I already have a B.A.) but the moment our professor tells us to mark our gender, something broke inside of me. I spent the rest of the class period unable to focus and left class angry. Why? How could she have known she would offend anyone by the little innocuous M and F categories? What is it to her that there could be someone who doesn't feel they fit in either one? But I refuse to believe that this is just MY problem, that I just need to "get over it." I can't and I won't.
In part, that's why I started this blog. It's a small act of spreading awareness, of bringing people together in understanding - or at least trying to understand. I'm not the only one transforming, I want the world to transform, too. Yes, I'm an idealist, but we have to start somewhere and I'm sick of just waiting around for other people to change of their own accord.
So, LGBTQQIA - any letter at all, you are welcome here. It's not much, but maybe we can turn it into something worthwhile.
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