I realize, again, that it's been awhile since I've posted. But my two loyal readers will forgive me, I'm sure. ;)
On to the book review! Not a moment to waste, because you all need to stay far, far away from this book.
Yes, this book was rotten. Here's the general premise: Jill seems like a normal teenage girl (rolling your eyes yet?) but she is far from it! Every month for four days, she becomes Jack, complete with the change in anatomy. To keep this secret from everyone else in her life, Jill and her mom pretend that she has monthly blood transfusions that keep her from attending school. Jill also does meditation to banish all thoughts, memories and feelings from Jack's cycle from her mind completely. "I am all girl" is her mantra. Jack is therefore confined to his room for the duration of his cycle, lest all hell break loose.
OK, I'm going to pause here and admit that yes, this is a deeply intriguing story line with a TON of awesome LGBTQQI potential. I mean, why else would I have even checked it out from the library? Back to the story:
With prom coming up, Jill and her best friend Ramie need to find her the perfect date, and keep Jack from ruining everything! So they pick their target (a cute exchange student named Tommy) and lay their plans.
By the way, the plans they come up with are completely... asinine. Jill tries acting like the rich, snobby girl to get his attention (which backfires, thank [Diety of choice]). She tutors him in calculus, etc, etc, ad nauseous. He's into her, which is great! The only problem is (dramatic music, anyone?) .... he's Bi! So Jill has to grieve a little because of that. Because gay people make her ill. (Have I mentioned yet that this is set in Massachusetts?) Then Jack comments on it and says that, yeah, those gay guys make him sick too... and the Mom might be right: Bisexuality is just like a pit-stop on the way to full blown gayness (no awkwardly sexual pun intended).
So this is obviously a problematic thing for our community. Let's face it - the first people to pick up this book are probably trans, genderqueer or questioning. Alienating your target audience is probably not the wisest thing to do, even halfway through your book. In addition to that, reinforcing ridiculous gender stereotypes that most people don't identify with will probably not get you very far, either.
But, everything works out! Because Jill is able to swallow her disgust with Bisexuality to get to second base with this guy! Unfortunately for them, Jack ruins everything with his "boy" feelings, which invade Jill at just the wrong time. Can I just say that this is the perfect kind of situation to bring up trans issues or symbolism? Even LGB issues. I mean, come ON!
Around this point, Jack decides to sneak out during his cycle and visit Ramie's bedroom window (yeah, creepy much?) since the porn Jill's been getting for him hasn't been enough to quench his lust for her best friend. Since that's all he's been doing for the last three years... sitting in his room alone masturbating. So Jack and Ramie have a sensual affair at the end of his cycle, and basically fall in love. How cute, right? Too bad he's gone for a month.
Here's the big twist, are you ready? Jill's meditation hasn't been working so great, so some of Jack's feelings have been "leaking" into her awareness, as I've already alluded. She finds out that he snuck out to see Ramie, accidentally KISSES Ramie (horror of horrors) because of Jack's icky boy feelings and tells her mom everything. Mom gets Jill out of school for the rest of the year, because obviously she can't go back now. They barricade Jack's room (complete with prison bar windows) so when the next cycle comes around, he'll be fully contained.
This kind of backwards feministic symbolism really troubled me. I haven't mentioned how Jill's dad basically lives in the basement and everyone treats him like shit because he has all these new age ideas - which spawned Jill's meditation, but apparently that doesn't matter. But the way the men are treated in this book is really hideous - especially the emphasis on being a "pure" boy or girl.
I'm getting really sick of thinking about this book, so for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to briefly paraphrase the rest of the book and quickly analyze why it's important to know how bad this book really is for our community.
In the end, Jack's cycle falls on proms night, he has sex with Ramie (who guesses that he's also Jill) because dad helps him sneak out of the disgustingly sadistic prison mom set up for him. Mom finds out he's gone and goes ballistic (seriously more bat-shit crazy than she already was). Jack changes back to Jill in the middle of prom (OH NO!) and then Jill gets to have a nice little heart-to-heart with Ramie and Tommy and that's how it ends.
OK. So you may have noticed there's a lot of sex in this book. I skimmed over some of it. You'll thank me. Anyway, guess how many times birth control/safe sex/protection is brought up? Zero. Yes, this is exactly what we need to teach our teenagers, right? Sex is great, and good and blah blah blah... and no talk of consequences or anything. This is definitely the problem and not the solution. LGBT or straight or... whatever - I don't care where you fall on any spectrum, safe sex is arguably the most important thing we need to be teaching younger generations. This isn't even my biggest beef with the book!
The big reason I was so disappointed with this book is that it had such potential. It could have challenged gender norms, it could've been a life changing book for trans* and genderqueer teens everywhere, and it could've normalized otherwise out-of-the-norm sexualities. All it did was re-emphasize the differences between male and female and focus on the separation of these two entities. While doing that, it completely degraded men and women by forcing them into ridiculous stereotypes and giving them no personality. Except for Ramie. She must have filled the personality quota for the entire book. Other than Ramie though, you're a product of your gender. At least, that's the only message I could get from this book. No "it's OK to be different," or "stay true to yourself" morals to be found here, folks. The only redeeming thing about the end of the book was 1) that it was the end and 2) Jill finally realizes that telling the truth will set you free.
If you made it this far, you deserve a Purple Heart. Thanks for enduring my rant about bad representations of our already marginalized community. Leave your thoughts in the comments, and send any suggestions for good or interesting reads on to me. Even if they're bad books, I'm convinced that if I can get through this book, I can read just about anything.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Long Time, No See!
Well hello there, seemingly forgotten blog readers! I promise I have not truly forgotten you - it's just been the craziest few months! Yeah, I know, that's what they all say. But it's currently thunderstorming fantasically (it's the best) and I do have some highlights from the last... while... so hang on, it may be a slightly bumpy read!
First, I have a guest blog post on bibrarian.wordpress.com! You should check it out if you're into LGBT literature. So, go! Unless, of course, you'd like to read the rest of my non-guest blog post here. Then, indeed, feel free to continue.
At the moment, I am in the midst of the Midwest Regional American Music Therapy Association Conference here in Iowa City! Yeah! I know, the title's quite a mouthful and it has nothing to do with Trans issues... but it's my blog and I do reserve the right to cry if I want to. (It was in the fine print.)
Anyway, at said conference, I'm learning an awful lot about all things Music Therapy. It's all pretty overwhelming, actually. I have found my first fellow queer Music Therapist, which gives me much hope. I've been worrying about how my job could be affected by being queer, as I'm often perceived. I'm making a lot of connections, however, which they say is good for professional life.
Speaking of professionalism, this is where the Trans issues come in. Because I've already started my journey as a Music Therapy professional and I've started making those golden connections, I'm becoming ever more paranoid about any possible transition that may be in my future. I love all of my future colleagues (since I'm not yet board-certified, after all) but I have no idea how many would react to having a transperson in their midst. One, perhaps little-known, fact about the field of Music Therapy: it's 95% women. Seriously. Male Music Therapists seem to be somewhat of a novelty, and the ladies tend to fawn over them in the most obnoxious manner. It's a strange phenomenon to behold, especially since one would assume they have had contact with the male species before (and probably often). At any rate, I've managed to not need to enter a restroom more than once all conference long, but have so far been unable to pass. It really is difficult with a name tag on your chest and your name very obviously says "FEMALE." But I have been binding all weekend, which has made me feel more comfortable anyway. It's the small things, right?
The real issue I've been having is considering making the transition in the middle of my professional life. I've been letting the question of professionalism hold me back from thinking about top surgery or hormones, but lately my dysphoria has been pretty bad.
So I've been second-guessing all the previous decisions I've made about any possible transition. But how does that fit into my professional life? I guess the problem is that I don't know any professional transfolk OR any trans Music Therapists. Granted, most in my profession of choice are pretty open-minded - they are therapists, after all. But I still have reservations. It's a tough decision.
At any rate, that's basically all the exciting/frustrating/confusing stuff that I've been keeping from you. Hopefully I didn't make anyone uncomfortable or depressed. Happy April Showers!
First, I have a guest blog post on bibrarian.wordpress.com! You should check it out if you're into LGBT literature. So, go! Unless, of course, you'd like to read the rest of my non-guest blog post here. Then, indeed, feel free to continue.
At the moment, I am in the midst of the Midwest Regional American Music Therapy Association Conference here in Iowa City! Yeah! I know, the title's quite a mouthful and it has nothing to do with Trans issues... but it's my blog and I do reserve the right to cry if I want to. (It was in the fine print.)
Anyway, at said conference, I'm learning an awful lot about all things Music Therapy. It's all pretty overwhelming, actually. I have found my first fellow queer Music Therapist, which gives me much hope. I've been worrying about how my job could be affected by being queer, as I'm often perceived. I'm making a lot of connections, however, which they say is good for professional life.
Speaking of professionalism, this is where the Trans issues come in. Because I've already started my journey as a Music Therapy professional and I've started making those golden connections, I'm becoming ever more paranoid about any possible transition that may be in my future. I love all of my future colleagues (since I'm not yet board-certified, after all) but I have no idea how many would react to having a transperson in their midst. One, perhaps little-known, fact about the field of Music Therapy: it's 95% women. Seriously. Male Music Therapists seem to be somewhat of a novelty, and the ladies tend to fawn over them in the most obnoxious manner. It's a strange phenomenon to behold, especially since one would assume they have had contact with the male species before (and probably often). At any rate, I've managed to not need to enter a restroom more than once all conference long, but have so far been unable to pass. It really is difficult with a name tag on your chest and your name very obviously says "FEMALE." But I have been binding all weekend, which has made me feel more comfortable anyway. It's the small things, right?
The real issue I've been having is considering making the transition in the middle of my professional life. I've been letting the question of professionalism hold me back from thinking about top surgery or hormones, but lately my dysphoria has been pretty bad.
So I've been second-guessing all the previous decisions I've made about any possible transition. But how does that fit into my professional life? I guess the problem is that I don't know any professional transfolk OR any trans Music Therapists. Granted, most in my profession of choice are pretty open-minded - they are therapists, after all. But I still have reservations. It's a tough decision.
At any rate, that's basically all the exciting/frustrating/confusing stuff that I've been keeping from you. Hopefully I didn't make anyone uncomfortable or depressed. Happy April Showers!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Reflection
So school has started once again, homework is piling up, and bloggers are still blogging. I want to focus on a blog post I read just a moment ago in my blog post today. (Meta enough for you? Haha.)
Said blog post was actually a very heartwarming story about an FTM's first Christmas at home (in Kansas, of all places) after his transition. Long story short, it was adorable. He took his 4-year-old cousin under his wing and became said cousin's favorite person ever. He connected with his sister on a level they had never experienced before (in a good way... and also not a dirty way, you perverts). He was fully embraced as a straight male by every last person in his family, down to being expected to carry all the heavy stuff, do all the driving, and basically partake in all the gender stereotypes.
The first thing I need to make clear is that I am completely overjoyed that this man was so easily accepted by his family. This story gives me hope for every person wishing to transition, that someday they will be seen as completely normal and worthy of love and respect.
There are a few other things I have to get off my shoulders concerning this story, however. I understand completely how everyone's gender identity is different and it's no easy feat to reconcile one's identity with one's body. I am always in awe of those who are able to make the transition, and I am always glad to see/hear about those who are 100 times happier after their surgery. Despite all of this, I must admit that it's really hard to hear about the successes while trying to handle your own defeats.
Here's my story:
I am getting married to the most wonderful woman in the world in 8 short months. I hadn't really come into my own as transgender/gender non-conforming until after I popped the question. So it stands to reason that there have been some super emotionally-charged breakdowns over me talking/thinking about transitioning even as we plan what color the flowers in our centerpieces will be.
When I got my breast reduction, I was overjoyed - admittedly for reasons I had not yet come to understand. My mom, a few days after the surgery, while I was recovering, made me promise I would never get "THAT kind of surgery." It seemed random, as I instinctively knew she was talking about SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery). Why would she be asking me that? I was a lesbian, not some crazy transsexual....
Soon enough, I figured it all out. How my mom knew before I did, I'll never know. But what do I do now? If I transition, I'm not only betraying my mom. It feels like I'm betraying some part of myself - the part that made the promise in the first place. And what about my wife? Can I reasonably ask her to be miserable, being in a relationship entered when she wasn't fully aware of what she was getting into in the first place? Even if all that were irrelevant, would I be able to find a job? All of my work connections that I will have when I am a board-certified music therapist will know me as female. I intend to get a job ASAP after I pass the exam. Do I transition in between jobs? Will I even have the money to transition? Do I even want to fully transition? I'm a vocalist... what happens if I take testosterone and my voice changes?
Alright, so it's obvious that the man in the blog post and I are at different stages in our journeys. I'd even go so far as to argue (to myself, yes) that we shouldn't even be compared. My gender identity is not the same as his. I am not 100% straight male. My female socialization counts for a lot - especially since 24 years is a long time. I guess what I really want to argue against is the gender binary, and the fact that, if I transition, I'll have a completely different set of expectations to fulfill. I can't fulfill the expectations set for me now, and I know for a fact that I won't be able to fulfill male expectations either. Frankly, I don't want to fit either stereotype. Well, I suppose that's mostly because I can't fit either of them. What's a poor genderqueer he-she to do?
I apologize if anyone's head is spinning. It's a confusing world to live in. This also turned into more of a word-vomit, soul-sharing than I originally intended. I'm of the opinion, however, that awareness must be spread. We're not all the same, but we definitely all deserve the same consideration and respect. Also, maybe some wise soul out there has some advice for me that they're willing to share to make things even a little easier.
Said blog post was actually a very heartwarming story about an FTM's first Christmas at home (in Kansas, of all places) after his transition. Long story short, it was adorable. He took his 4-year-old cousin under his wing and became said cousin's favorite person ever. He connected with his sister on a level they had never experienced before (in a good way... and also not a dirty way, you perverts). He was fully embraced as a straight male by every last person in his family, down to being expected to carry all the heavy stuff, do all the driving, and basically partake in all the gender stereotypes.
The first thing I need to make clear is that I am completely overjoyed that this man was so easily accepted by his family. This story gives me hope for every person wishing to transition, that someday they will be seen as completely normal and worthy of love and respect.
There are a few other things I have to get off my shoulders concerning this story, however. I understand completely how everyone's gender identity is different and it's no easy feat to reconcile one's identity with one's body. I am always in awe of those who are able to make the transition, and I am always glad to see/hear about those who are 100 times happier after their surgery. Despite all of this, I must admit that it's really hard to hear about the successes while trying to handle your own defeats.
Here's my story:
I am getting married to the most wonderful woman in the world in 8 short months. I hadn't really come into my own as transgender/gender non-conforming until after I popped the question. So it stands to reason that there have been some super emotionally-charged breakdowns over me talking/thinking about transitioning even as we plan what color the flowers in our centerpieces will be.
When I got my breast reduction, I was overjoyed - admittedly for reasons I had not yet come to understand. My mom, a few days after the surgery, while I was recovering, made me promise I would never get "THAT kind of surgery." It seemed random, as I instinctively knew she was talking about SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery). Why would she be asking me that? I was a lesbian, not some crazy transsexual....
Soon enough, I figured it all out. How my mom knew before I did, I'll never know. But what do I do now? If I transition, I'm not only betraying my mom. It feels like I'm betraying some part of myself - the part that made the promise in the first place. And what about my wife? Can I reasonably ask her to be miserable, being in a relationship entered when she wasn't fully aware of what she was getting into in the first place? Even if all that were irrelevant, would I be able to find a job? All of my work connections that I will have when I am a board-certified music therapist will know me as female. I intend to get a job ASAP after I pass the exam. Do I transition in between jobs? Will I even have the money to transition? Do I even want to fully transition? I'm a vocalist... what happens if I take testosterone and my voice changes?
Alright, so it's obvious that the man in the blog post and I are at different stages in our journeys. I'd even go so far as to argue (to myself, yes) that we shouldn't even be compared. My gender identity is not the same as his. I am not 100% straight male. My female socialization counts for a lot - especially since 24 years is a long time. I guess what I really want to argue against is the gender binary, and the fact that, if I transition, I'll have a completely different set of expectations to fulfill. I can't fulfill the expectations set for me now, and I know for a fact that I won't be able to fulfill male expectations either. Frankly, I don't want to fit either stereotype. Well, I suppose that's mostly because I can't fit either of them. What's a poor genderqueer he-she to do?
I apologize if anyone's head is spinning. It's a confusing world to live in. This also turned into more of a word-vomit, soul-sharing than I originally intended. I'm of the opinion, however, that awareness must be spread. We're not all the same, but we definitely all deserve the same consideration and respect. Also, maybe some wise soul out there has some advice for me that they're willing to share to make things even a little easier.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Hawai'i
So I went to Hawai'i (that's how they really spell it) just after Christmas this year – I was invited to attend my future parents-in-law’s vow renewal. As a disclaimer, aside from what I’m going to write about, I had an awesome time. I don’t want everyone thinking that the struggles I face as a transperson color my entire experience of everything. It doesn’t really work that way. Yes, it can put a damper on some things, but I’m usually fairly quick to get over it. I try, anyway.
Just so you know I’m not lying, here are some of the awesome things we did in Hawaii:
- Went kayaking in the ocean (My kayak’s name was ‘A, which is Hawaiian for the Blue-footed Booby. Basically, that’s why I won the race.)
- Saw Pearl Harbor and the USS Arizona Memorial
- Went to Waikiki beach and hung out in Honolulu for a day
- Went to a luau and the show “Ha: Breath of Life” which touched all of us and may or may not have made me cry
- Learned a lot about Hawaiian culture, including a few words in Hawaiian
- Found out why the north shore is known for surfing
- Swam in the ocean
- Relaxed on the beach
- Collected some awesome shells and coral
- Saw five amazing sunsets
- Met some really cute green sea turtles
- Took a ton of pictures
- Ate some of the best seafood I’ve ever had in my life
Despite all of these great things, there are always times when I struggle. Unfortunately for me, sometimes the struggle becomes greater when I realize that no one knows I’m struggling, or that there would even be a reason I’m struggling, if you know what I’m trying to say.
Swimsuits and swimming. I feel like this has to be the number one struggle for transpeople everywhere, in any time. I hate putting on a swimsuit. I can’t wear my binder with it – it’s completely impractical. I can’t even wear a fairly compressing sportsbra. So basically the breasts I have many mixed feelings toward are freely bouncing in the air for everyone to see, even though I’m not trying to show them off (I basically wear a tank top and trunks to swim in). It’s very embarrassing for a transperson, and I wore my swimsuit every single day were we there. I felt that constant envy for all the men on the beach who were able to just take off their shirts whenever they pleased. I have to be honest, after a couple of days I didn’t even want to go down to the beach at all.
I’m not gonna lie, if I wasn’t expected by everyone to get in as much beach (and swimming) time as possible, I probably wouldn’t even have changed my clothes for it. I would’ve missed out on a bunch of stuff, too. Granted, my sunburn would be much less severe, but isn’t that part of the experience? Also, I wouldn’t have had the chance to bond more with this family I’m going to be joining in ten short months if I hadn’t braved past my discomfort. To be fair, none of them know I’m trans… so I guess most of it is in my head. Sometimes that makes it worse, though.
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s OK to struggle, and it’s fine to have reservations. The important thing is not to let anything hold you back from having a good experience, even in your everyday life. Some stuff is worth doing, and it doesn’t have to be about gender, even though I know I can make everything into some sort of gendered statement. So take some time to yourself and relax. Don't think about the negative... focus on the positive, even just for a few minutes. I know I feel a lot better after having a vacation and while I did think some pretty negative stuff, I had a better time when I ignored all that and stayed in the moment. Try it yourself sometime soon. You'll feel much better.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Gender Identity and Society
Again, I realize I haven't posted in a while. This may be a trend. However, I haven't forgotten this blog exists and I really do my best to update with meaningful posts when I can. You all can yell at me when it becomes "So I got called 'Sir' again today. Lol!"
At any rate, today I have a thought that has always lurked in the back of my mind and was brought to the fore by reading about ABC's new show "Work It." Work It is a show about two men who are convinced that the recession is just about not needing men for jobs. So the obvious solution is to dress like women to get jobs! And this entire premise is supposed to be funny - just the fact that men are dressing like women. The jokes are all based on this, the fact that men are entering the female space and needing to assimilate, blah, blah, blah.
Alright, so what does this have to do with me and the trans* community? Well, inadvertently or not, ABC is turning being a woman into a joke. The moment this happens, society finds it easier to target those of us who are women, those of us who are gender non-conforming and those of us trying to authentically live our lives as women regardless of the way we were born. Why? I honestly don't know. Perhaps it's because society still views women as less-than. Who knows? I don't get why it's funny either. To be honest, it just gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because that's how society views people like me right now - as a poser. We aren't *really* men or women, us transfolk, we're just pretending. Anyway, that's a subject for a different post, perhaps when I feel more like complaining....
The biggest struggle for me at the moment is that feeling of guilt. By wanting to be read as male, am I just playing right into that horrible vision that men are inherently better? I understand that there is a line between male supremacy and simply being male, just as by being white I'm not automatically going to join the KKK. An extreme comparison, I suppose, but perhaps it can help me to remember that if we truly believe every gender and every race is equal, I have nothing to fear by identifying as either one or both. At least, nothing to fear inside my own head. After all, by even worrying about that, I'm making men less than women, and that's detrimental to the cause I'm trying to pursue.
We all have our struggles and, apart from trans* issues, one of mine is being coherent. So, if I don't make sense or you need clarification, leave a comment and I'll do my best to try to make it clearer.
At any rate, today I have a thought that has always lurked in the back of my mind and was brought to the fore by reading about ABC's new show "Work It." Work It is a show about two men who are convinced that the recession is just about not needing men for jobs. So the obvious solution is to dress like women to get jobs! And this entire premise is supposed to be funny - just the fact that men are dressing like women. The jokes are all based on this, the fact that men are entering the female space and needing to assimilate, blah, blah, blah.
Alright, so what does this have to do with me and the trans* community? Well, inadvertently or not, ABC is turning being a woman into a joke. The moment this happens, society finds it easier to target those of us who are women, those of us who are gender non-conforming and those of us trying to authentically live our lives as women regardless of the way we were born. Why? I honestly don't know. Perhaps it's because society still views women as less-than. Who knows? I don't get why it's funny either. To be honest, it just gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because that's how society views people like me right now - as a poser. We aren't *really* men or women, us transfolk, we're just pretending. Anyway, that's a subject for a different post, perhaps when I feel more like complaining....
The biggest struggle for me at the moment is that feeling of guilt. By wanting to be read as male, am I just playing right into that horrible vision that men are inherently better? I understand that there is a line between male supremacy and simply being male, just as by being white I'm not automatically going to join the KKK. An extreme comparison, I suppose, but perhaps it can help me to remember that if we truly believe every gender and every race is equal, I have nothing to fear by identifying as either one or both. At least, nothing to fear inside my own head. After all, by even worrying about that, I'm making men less than women, and that's detrimental to the cause I'm trying to pursue.
We all have our struggles and, apart from trans* issues, one of mine is being coherent. So, if I don't make sense or you need clarification, leave a comment and I'll do my best to try to make it clearer.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Transgender Day of Remembrance
I realize I haven't posted in what seems like eons - yes, I realize it's only been a month. But I'm back now, hopefully with more consistent updates, as schoolwork and life allow.
So I was thinking, November seems to be the month for transfolk. At the University of Iowa, we just celebrated TransWeek 2011, consisting of a Q&A panel, gender-identity as portrayed through art, conversations with health care providers to start making a better healthcare experience for transfolk and a screening of "She's a Boy I Knew." I wish I could say I participated in all the events, but unfortunately I was only free to attend a couple. The ones I did attend, however, gave me mixed feelings. It was amazing to hang out with people who I knew would not judge me because of the way I choose to express my gender. I even learned some stuff - surprise!
For instance, I was unaware of the severe tension between the LGB and the T communities. I mean, I figured there was at least a little because transfolk tend to get left out of a lot of general LGB[T] stuff. But the way some of the panelists talked during the Q&A session chilled me. They were all either male-identified or completely genderqueer, and they way they talked about lesbians, especially, really made my head spin. I guess there's this thing where lesbians fetishize transmen, of which I was completely unaware. I understand where they're coming from, of course. But the way they generalized about ALL lesbians (the way every community does about every other community, I'm coming to realize) just hurt. I am a lesbian. I am also trans. So... now I feel like I have to choose between the two because I can't possibly be both. I feel like, as marginalized groups in society, creating this division between ourselves will only hurt us. You know, the old "united we stand, divided we fall" thing.
All in all I think it was an excellent event, and created some good awareness. I have my TransWeek button on my backpack to display to everyone I pass on the street, even since it ended. I'm hoping for some good conversations... I guess we'll see!
Anyway, I would say "Happy Day of Remembrance" to you all, but it really is a somber topic that deserves not celebration, but reflection. So many transpeople have had their lives taken just for trying to live their lives in truth. And to what end? Just the loss of a truly unique individual before their time. So all I ask, I guess, is that you take a moment today to think of the transperson you love most or take the time to try to walk in the shoes of a transperson before you start judging them. Who knows, those couple seconds it takes to decide not to say that cruel thing you were thinking could save a life.
So I was thinking, November seems to be the month for transfolk. At the University of Iowa, we just celebrated TransWeek 2011, consisting of a Q&A panel, gender-identity as portrayed through art, conversations with health care providers to start making a better healthcare experience for transfolk and a screening of "She's a Boy I Knew." I wish I could say I participated in all the events, but unfortunately I was only free to attend a couple. The ones I did attend, however, gave me mixed feelings. It was amazing to hang out with people who I knew would not judge me because of the way I choose to express my gender. I even learned some stuff - surprise!
For instance, I was unaware of the severe tension between the LGB and the T communities. I mean, I figured there was at least a little because transfolk tend to get left out of a lot of general LGB[T] stuff. But the way some of the panelists talked during the Q&A session chilled me. They were all either male-identified or completely genderqueer, and they way they talked about lesbians, especially, really made my head spin. I guess there's this thing where lesbians fetishize transmen, of which I was completely unaware. I understand where they're coming from, of course. But the way they generalized about ALL lesbians (the way every community does about every other community, I'm coming to realize) just hurt. I am a lesbian. I am also trans. So... now I feel like I have to choose between the two because I can't possibly be both. I feel like, as marginalized groups in society, creating this division between ourselves will only hurt us. You know, the old "united we stand, divided we fall" thing.
All in all I think it was an excellent event, and created some good awareness. I have my TransWeek button on my backpack to display to everyone I pass on the street, even since it ended. I'm hoping for some good conversations... I guess we'll see!
Anyway, I would say "Happy Day of Remembrance" to you all, but it really is a somber topic that deserves not celebration, but reflection. So many transpeople have had their lives taken just for trying to live their lives in truth. And to what end? Just the loss of a truly unique individual before their time. So all I ask, I guess, is that you take a moment today to think of the transperson you love most or take the time to try to walk in the shoes of a transperson before you start judging them. Who knows, those couple seconds it takes to decide not to say that cruel thing you were thinking could save a life.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Pronouns!
So, In my last post, I mentioned how I came out to a couple co-workers, yes? Well there's been a little bit of a development there and I thought it would make for an excellent blog post!
One of the aforementioned co-workers is a straight, Catholic, female, sophomore student at the University of Iowa. She is generally very open-minded, likes to talk, and likes to listen to others' stories. We'll call her Mary. Now, Mary has always been fine with me being a lesbian and was very excited to hear of my engagement. She also refused to let me get out of telling her the reason I so glibly said "I'm not actually a lesbian." Thus, I had no other choice but to say "Well, I'm trans." That seemed to be the end of it right there. However, not three days later, we were working together again and as anyone who has spent much time with me at work knows, I despise being called "Ma'am." I don't blame the customers, because they don't know any better, but after a while it does grate on my nerves. Mary, however, thinks it funny to call me "Ma'am" for no other reason than because it bothers me. So I firmly told her not to do that, please and thank you. But Mary thinks the only substitute for "Ma'am" is "Miss," and when I rejected that as well, she became frustrated and told me there was no other option.
Now I'm a bit confused. Her reaction to this admittedly small incident leads me to believe that either she wasn't truly listening when I came out to her or she doesn't really understand what "being trans" means. Now, Mary isn't stupid. I'm sure she understands the basic concept of, at the very least, transsexualism (which most people confuse with having a transgendered identity). So, following this logic, there are a few options. Mary may have just been pushing my buttons, as she is wont to do, which is frustrating and annoying, but harmless. She may not understand transgenderism as an umbrella term for all kinds of gender expression, which is also relatively harmless and easy to fix. It is also possible that she was, consciously or not, rejecting my view of myself. This is the option I don't enjoy thinking about, as it is neither harmless nor really acceptable. Then I realized that it almost doesn't even matter how I view myself because language doesn't have the capability of expressing what it is I am, and how I wish to be addressed. So it's no wonder people get uncomfortable and confused. They have nowhere to start when it comes to addressing me, or fitting me into the box of words.
So I decided that I could give them a tool to use when it comes to us transfolk. Not only am I myself a reference for understanding the mindset, but there are always gender neutral pronouns that most people aren't even aware exist. I've been working on training myself to use them - it's a pretty arduous process. It's like relearning your own language. But if I want people to start using them for me, I have to be able to use them too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, instead of taking this situation and making it all about how offended I am/could be, I can take it and make it into a learning opportunity. Once the general public sees that they know people who are transgender/genderqueer, they'll eventually be ready to listen to us. Then we can start to educate them. It might take a while. Learning does that. But I definitely think it's worth it, to make sure everyone in this society feels accepted and that there is a place for them. It is important, however, to remember what pronoun a given person prefers. For instance, I may be partial to "ze" or "en", but if someone really wants to be "he" or "her," it's not my place to dispute that.
If you want to learn more about gender neutral pronouns, I think the Wikipedia article is actually quite helpful, not to mention extremely interesting and has links to other interesting topics. It's here.
P.S. The entire time I was writing this post, this would not stop going around and around in my head.
One of the aforementioned co-workers is a straight, Catholic, female, sophomore student at the University of Iowa. She is generally very open-minded, likes to talk, and likes to listen to others' stories. We'll call her Mary. Now, Mary has always been fine with me being a lesbian and was very excited to hear of my engagement. She also refused to let me get out of telling her the reason I so glibly said "I'm not actually a lesbian." Thus, I had no other choice but to say "Well, I'm trans." That seemed to be the end of it right there. However, not three days later, we were working together again and as anyone who has spent much time with me at work knows, I despise being called "Ma'am." I don't blame the customers, because they don't know any better, but after a while it does grate on my nerves. Mary, however, thinks it funny to call me "Ma'am" for no other reason than because it bothers me. So I firmly told her not to do that, please and thank you. But Mary thinks the only substitute for "Ma'am" is "Miss," and when I rejected that as well, she became frustrated and told me there was no other option.
Now I'm a bit confused. Her reaction to this admittedly small incident leads me to believe that either she wasn't truly listening when I came out to her or she doesn't really understand what "being trans" means. Now, Mary isn't stupid. I'm sure she understands the basic concept of, at the very least, transsexualism (which most people confuse with having a transgendered identity). So, following this logic, there are a few options. Mary may have just been pushing my buttons, as she is wont to do, which is frustrating and annoying, but harmless. She may not understand transgenderism as an umbrella term for all kinds of gender expression, which is also relatively harmless and easy to fix. It is also possible that she was, consciously or not, rejecting my view of myself. This is the option I don't enjoy thinking about, as it is neither harmless nor really acceptable. Then I realized that it almost doesn't even matter how I view myself because language doesn't have the capability of expressing what it is I am, and how I wish to be addressed. So it's no wonder people get uncomfortable and confused. They have nowhere to start when it comes to addressing me, or fitting me into the box of words.
So I decided that I could give them a tool to use when it comes to us transfolk. Not only am I myself a reference for understanding the mindset, but there are always gender neutral pronouns that most people aren't even aware exist. I've been working on training myself to use them - it's a pretty arduous process. It's like relearning your own language. But if I want people to start using them for me, I have to be able to use them too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, instead of taking this situation and making it all about how offended I am/could be, I can take it and make it into a learning opportunity. Once the general public sees that they know people who are transgender/genderqueer, they'll eventually be ready to listen to us. Then we can start to educate them. It might take a while. Learning does that. But I definitely think it's worth it, to make sure everyone in this society feels accepted and that there is a place for them. It is important, however, to remember what pronoun a given person prefers. For instance, I may be partial to "ze" or "en", but if someone really wants to be "he" or "her," it's not my place to dispute that.
If you want to learn more about gender neutral pronouns, I think the Wikipedia article is actually quite helpful, not to mention extremely interesting and has links to other interesting topics. It's here.
P.S. The entire time I was writing this post, this would not stop going around and around in my head.
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